Ouran Highschool Hogwarts
by agentmoppet
Summary: When a simple time turner journey goes wrong... essentially crack!fic, although kinda not too. You'll see what I mean. Written for Round Twelve of the Quidditch League. (If you haven't seen Ouran, I really recommend watching a YouTube montage so that you can see I wasn't insane when I wrote this, and that the show is actually like that xD)


**A/N: Ok guys, this is crack!fic. You were warned. I'm so sorry, but seriously, can this crossover be written without it being crack!fic? XD Let's just all go along for the ride, hey? Let the tounge-in-cheek, trope-highlighting, almost-and-sometimes-breaking-the-fourth-wall ridiculousness begin...**

 **Prompts:**

 **Crossfic between HP and an anime (Ouran Highschool Host Club)**

 **(word) eyelash**

 **(dialogue) "Who the bloody hell is that?"**

 **(phrase) now or never**

There was a loud sound. Then, there was the conspicuous absence of sound. And then, there was light.

* * *

"Um, Luna?" Harry stared at the simple wooden door in front of them. "How far did you turn that time turner, again?"

"I don't remember being anywhere like this earlier today," Hermione added with a frown. "Or at all." She trailed off.

It was Christmas holidays, and Luna had taken them aside after breakfast, wanting to tell them something. In typical Luna fashion, she had thought it would be easier to explain "if they revisited past events with an objective eye". Which had brought them here, wherever here was.

The door sat innocuously before them. A single sign hovered above, swinging slightly in a mysterious breeze. It read "Music Room 3"

"Blimey, the letters move a lot, don't they?" Ron said, rubbing his eyes and squinting at the sign. "What's the point in that?"

"Nah, it's actually your head that's moving," Fred explained seriously.

"It's finally gotten so big your neck can't hold it anymore," George agreed, giving Ron a consolatory pat on the back.

"They're not moving," Luna said, looking at the time turner with a calm expression that Harry found infinitely more terrifying than if she had looked concerned. "They're being translated. I picked up the wrong time turner. This must be one of the ones my mother was working on before she died. I don't think we've gone back in time so much as moved to the left."

"And by 'moved to the left'," George said, "you really mean we're completely lost and in almost certain danger, don't you?"

Luna continued to admire the time turner.

"Figures," added Fred. "Oh well, fortune favours the brave, and all that." He reached forward and opened the door.

The first thing Harry noticed was that the slow, dramatic movement of the door seemed to defy the laws of physics. It gave him a moment's pause, before the overwhelming scent of roses hit him full in the face.

Fred and George, being at the front of the group, caught the brunt of the blast and immediately doubled over in fits of coughing. Rose petals flew aggressively past their faces, catching in their hair like parasites, while a loud voice boomed from seemingly everywhere around them.

"Welcome!"

Harry, Luna, Hermione and Ron froze. The twins covered their mouths and resorted to silent choking, staring around in horror at the room before them. To Harry, it was as if he'd been transported suddenly to an old elementary school themed-disco. And the theme was magic. Fairy lights covered the walls and hung from the centre of the room. Coloured lights were subtly placed near smoke machines in the corners to give the illusion of mystery. Seven people lounged on cushions in the centre of the room, dressed in wizard robes and hats.

Harry met Hermione's eyes, and the two shared a glance.

Before they could speak, Ron stepped forward, a look of utter relief on his face. "Thank Merlin for that. Can you send us back?"

The blonde boy in the middle stood, his face lighting up eagerly. "A mission?" he cried. "You've come to the right place. The Host Club will assist you, dear friends, never fear!"

"Afraid?" Fred muttered, taking a step back. "Why would we possibly be afraid?"

"I'm cool as a cucumber, right now," George agreed, moving behind Harry.

"Mother!" The boy called, turning to a boy at the back who was wearing glasses. "A map!" He turned back. "Darlings, you may call me Tamaki sempai."

"Tamaki what?" Harry asked. "Why didn't that translate?"

"Why did he call that guy 'Mother'?" Ron asked, looking hesitant for the first time since entering the room. "And why isn't he using magic?"

"'Sempai' is in our vernacular now, basically," Hermione explained with a resigned sigh. "I'll explain later. As for the 'Mother' part-"

Tamaki sempai swooped down on Hermione, his black robes flowing and his sparkling wizard's hat tastefully askew. "Princess!" he cried, kneeling down and taking her hand. "While you are waiting, can I tempt you with the Host Club's finest services?"

Hermione, for the first time since Harry had known her, blushed.

"What is your type, my lady? Do you like the strong, silent type? Or how about the devil twins?"

Two red-headed twins stepped forward and grinned mischievously. Before Hermione could open her mouth, one of the twins suddenly gasped and swung into his brother's arms.

"Hikaru," he whispered, "I feel... faint."

"Why... why is he holding him?" Fred asked quietly.

"Is... are... are we meant to do that?" George had paled substantially.

"Where the bloody hell did those flowers come from?" Harry demanded, waving his hand at the blue petunias that were floating softly to the ground beside the twins.

Tamaki turned back to the others who had yet to be introduced. "Or perhaps our newest member-" he stopped speaking, his face stricken. "Haruhi!" he screamed, and crumpled to a pile of ash on the floor.

"Their magic is rather odd here, isn't it?" Luna said, bending over to inspect the ash pile. A strong and rather precise wind blew the ashes away.

"Come back, Haruhi," a voice whimpered from the corner of the room. "Daddy will give you whatever you need. Fancy tuna - do you need more fancy tuna? Mother, why did we restrict the fancy tuna?!"

They turned to see Tamaki sempai huddled in the corner, his back to the room and his person oddly blue.

The smallest boy of the group began to cry. "When will Haruhi come back?" he asked between sobs. Water pooled on his eyelashes in large, impossible droplets. The boy next to him strongly and silently rested a hand on his shoulder.

"There were seven people here when we entered," Hermione pointed out, counting the people in the middle of the room. "Now there are six."

"No one left," Harry pointed out. "The door is behind us. But Hermione's right – there were seven people before. Wasn't there a girl in the middle?"

A gasp of horror tore through the room. Tamaki stood and pointed at Harry. "You have defiled my perfect daughter's disguise!"

Harry blinked. "I don't even know what to say to that," he muttered, while Hermione began to look around the room for another exit.

"Are there any hidden trapdoors?" she asked. "I feel like this kind of room might have a hidden trapdoor in here."

A whirring, mechanical sound filled the air and the room began to shake. A strange pedestal burst from the floor, carrying a petite girl in a yellow dress high up into the room until she was looking down on all of them.

"Who the bloody hell is that?" Ron yelped.

"Isn't this meant to be a music room?" Harry groaned.

"Sorry to interrupt, ladies and gentlemen," the girl announced, stroking her chin dramatically. "But you seemed in desperate need of assistance."

"Thank you, but we're fine," Hermione said testily.

"Oh ho ho," the girl laughed. Hermione's fists clenched. "I think you'll find the answer to your dilemma is rather obvious if you think about it."

"Lady manager," Tamaki sempai stepped forward. "What are you suggesting?"

"Only that Haruhi has become displaced with the arrival of these newest members," the girl answered haughtily.

"Oh, we're not staying," Fred said hastily.

"Absolutely not," George added. "We're certain we left the iron on."

"And the oven."

"And I need to wash my hair."

"And-"

"Quiet!" the Lady Manager yelled. "If you'll consider all the facts, ladies and gentlemen, you can agree that there can be no more than one type at once, correct? We already know this from episode six."

"One type?" Harry asked.

"Precisely," the Lady Manager continued. "In this room we already have the incestuous twins type, the prince type, the cool type, the loli-shounen type, and the strong silent type. Plus our newest members: our new devil twins – not incestuous, more's the pity – the bookish type, the sidekick type, and the hero type. So, tell me, who's missing?"

"The natural type," Tamaki sempai wailed. "Our beautiful, natural Haruhi. Star pupil. Daughter of-"

"No!" the Lady Manager snapped, stamping her foot down on Tamaki's head.

"Oh, come on. From where she was standing, that wasn't even physically possible," Harry moaned, dropping his head into his hands.

"The gender-in-disguise type," the Lady Manager hissed.

Tamaki shrieked. "You've revealed her!"

"But you were already calling her your daughter," Hermione pointed out with a confused frown.

Tamaki shrieked again.

"Then where did Haruhi go?" the cool type who Tamaki sempai had called 'Mother' asked.

"To avoid the paradox, she switched places with our visitors," the Lady Manager explained smugly.

"But that doesn't make sense," Hermione said with a frown. "None of us are the wrong gender in disguise."

"You could check," the devil twins said to Fred and George in unison.

Fred and George shuddered.

A small cough caught their attention. As one, the occupants of the room turned to the blonde girl standing with them.

"Well, it's now or never," she said with a dreamy smile, and took off her shirt.

Ron fainted.

Beneath Luna's shirt she was wearing a comfortable t-shirt. A pouch dangled in front, similar in appearance to the pouch Harry had received from Hagrid for his birthday. Luna reached inside and pulled out a birth certificate. "This was what I wanted to show you today. I thought it would be easier to understand if you watched me in the past, objectively, so you could see that nothing had changed. I'm still the same person."

"Luna," Hermione said slowly. "You're... a boy?"

Luna shrugged. "I feel more comfortable as a girl."

Hermione smiled. "Good for you, then."

Fred conjured a bucket of water from a cushion on the floor and dumped the contents on Ron's head.

"Luna," Ron spluttered, sitting up. "She's..."

"She's put her shirt back on," George said, hoisting him to his feet. "You can stop blushing now."

"More importantly," Fred added. "It's lunchtime and there's no food in this room."

Ron's stomach grumbled.

Tamaki sempai bowed to them. "Farewell, and return my beloved daughter to me."

"You know, your relationship would be a lot better if you didn't pretend to be her father," Hermione said shrewdly. "Just a thought."

Luna picked up the Time Turner, gave it a spin, and sent them home.

 **I wrote the opening A/N before I got to the end, and then, at the end, it sort of came out with a message. So I hope I wrote it well for the message, because I REALLY do not want it to look like I'm making light of the trans community by having them present as the climax in what was, until that point, crack!fic. Really, I didn't know Luna was going to be biologically a boy until right near the end, and then it just wrote itself, and I didn't want to make it a silly reason for her to dress up as a girl. It honestly just made more sense for her to be trans. If I did this badly, I'm so sorry, and please let me know how I can fix it.**


End file.
